I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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