Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize