I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
