I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
