before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
