I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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