I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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