you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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