Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
