fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
