Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
