remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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