it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
