Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
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