I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
im holly from the hills drunk
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
