just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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