So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
