Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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