my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
