Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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