when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
