Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
