I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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