I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
