Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
