he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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