Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
