i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
meet me or not, i'm out of control
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
