he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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