Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
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