opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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