I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
