Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
