I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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