girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
