I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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