maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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