I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
