her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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