just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
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