Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
