he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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