Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
