I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Randomize
