And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
