I'm eating all of the evidence.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
