the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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