I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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