My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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