Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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