I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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