Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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