I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
