I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
