you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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