from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
