my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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