I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
