The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Success! We fucked roommates!
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
