Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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