i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Randomize