I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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