There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
