I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
