I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize